Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
