I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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