I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
