she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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