My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
