I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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