I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
