She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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