happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
