wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i can't believe i had my finger in that
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
