I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
