Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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