Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
