please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
