So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
