Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
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He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
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I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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