i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
