I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
