matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
