i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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