then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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