I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
