I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
