I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
