In the future we'll all be gay
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
