I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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