remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
