My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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