Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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