i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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