FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
