Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Why can't burritos get me drunk
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
