I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
