Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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