All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Found your dick twin last night
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
