Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
