If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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