I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
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