I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just want to make out with him forever
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
