It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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