it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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