I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
