I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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