Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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