Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
