When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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