I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
