swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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