Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
