I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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