if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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