she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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