I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
