Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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