Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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